In my head...

What do you mean you didn't hear episode 46 of the Creative Mom Podcast? It didn't show up in your iTunes list last Tuesday or Wednesday or even Thursday (because some weeks are tougher than others)? But I recorded it...

over

         and         ov

                                       errrrrrrrr

             and over 

                         again

                               and again and again and again

       in the l a s t   1 0   d a y s.

And yet the show is still sitting ready to record. And it's driving me crazy. Every single minute I was trying to figure out how to get the show recorded even though I was having a good time visiting and doing other things. And yet part of me said, "hey, what difference does it make," and "this is not really a job," and "probably no one else even will notice a week went by with no show." And yet to me it is a job. And to me it does make a difference. And, to me, missing a week is a big deal. And, it's even worse, in my head, when the show is all ready to go. I wasn't behind in getting the lineup ready. I just didn't get it recorded. And, it is a business. It is something I treat professionally. Even if it does not pay. And there is the rub of it all.

Almost a year later, and I haven't solved that part. (And, yes, that part does matter because the same time I devote to the show probably really, at this point, needs to be directed at paying consulting work.) I have lots of ideas on how to solve it. But I haven't managed it. And, in part I haven't managed it because I spend so much time just "doing" the show that I don't have a lot of extra for marketing or selling or promoting it. And, in part, I haven't managed it because I'm big on ideas but very poor on red tape and on putting myself out there and on self-promotion. (If I wasn't so poor on that end, I'd certainly have converted ideas to books in the last few years.) And, yes, I listen to lots of other shows where it's clear donation buttons and bells are ringing all the time. And that is one way. But, there are others that maybe don't involve the listening audience shouldering the show. Other ways all require time.

And, in the last 10 days, my head has been just buzzing with irritation that I didn't get the show recorded. And, at the same time, the counter thread in my head is that "it's just a show." And then today, I've got a few seconds right now to post this, but a dentist appointment will blast my little precious block of Monday morning time to shreds, making recording impossible. I'm still hoping to squeeze it in today to get back on track. I've updated my little list of episodes I made a week or so back that takes me through the 1-year anniversary of the show. Reluctantly, I shifted all the episode numbers yesterday to account for a missed week. Agggggh. That hurt. And then I realize that I'm taking this all too seriously. Maybe. And yet, without it, without the show, I'm not sure where I'd be! And that's when it all begins to crumble again because as I face the reality that I need to be pursuing paid work, I face the reality that my show will change. And without the show... I may end up back where I was.

We worked in many things in 10 days - many of which I'm going to talk about not this week but next week. But, we did manage a quick trip to Flax before a trip to ImagiKnits. I talked myself out of the set of drawing inks (for now) and rationalized I should buy a single bottle or two to try them out - and then hemmed and hawed over colors, trying to pick something NOT in the set (since I figure I will buy the set). I ended up with Virdian and White. (Aren't the boxes GREAT!) The white struck me as an odd choice in the moment, but I kept envisioning being able to write over top of painted surfaces in white. Compelling. The gel medium is something I've needed to pick up forever. E V E R Y book references Golden's Gel Medium, it seems. And, a few of the little tins of fountain pen ink for my fountain pens or Rotring pens. Not much. But a happy little collection.

Keep checking. Episode 46 will appear. I promise. And after that, 47. And then 48. And so it will go.